23d June 2003


Ahaa F, the fire-side is warm and snug.
And yet seems the fire has started crackling, with sparks flying off from it.
The dancing flames, invite partners to tango.
Game?  :-)

I have no choice but to accept the invitation to tango,  Sandeep.

All i really want to do is dance and make wild love with life.
I do not want to fight.  I want peace and harmony.
Perhaps this is my first mistake.
I do not embrace the unrest as much as the joy and peace.
That joy and peace which trembles with unrest, will always come and go.
Enjoy both the coming and going.

The nagging question, "Is this the best i can do?"
Is this the best i can do with life?
I do not always embrace life as it is.
In the moment, as it is, it is the best that could be done.
In that moment.
And thus that "best" is not etched in stone.

I want the feeling of flow all the time....the feeling of life just happening
on its own, automatic pilot.  Once you get the taste of that, it seems
a little empty or something when it goes dormant.   The fake happiness
derived from a "me" having a stake in whatever it is,  is traded in.
But when flow isnt there,  it seems empty.
It's from that emptiness, which seems dormant, that aliveness erupts.
take an acorn seed and cut it open and keep cutting, till you cannot cut anymore.
What do you get?
Yet that nothingness of the acorn seed, held a 100 feet tall Oak tree.
The present moment, contains the entirety of the past, not just of "F" but the entire past of phenomenality AND the entirety of the future.

Lately i often  feel like i want to take off this body suit and be free,
a prisoner of conditioning....i want moksha.
You have been having too much Indian curry?<LOL>
What is moksha, as per you?
Sometimes when i wake up from a night of sleep, i am disappointed.
I want to stay in the deep sleep state and sometimes i do not care if
i wake up.  
This doesnt last long because the realization that i have
a lot to live for usually offsets it.
Sleep, when sleepy
Get into frenzy when serotonin and dopamines,... charged up.
Be amused with both games.

And too, there are still desires and preferences and frustrations, resistance.
And fear of a wasted life.
Nothing in Life is a waste, F.
Including the bum born on the street, who lived all her life on the streets and dies on the street.

Well, i do feel joy and peace much, not all gloomy, just not always that
zest for living.   And there is some guilt about that.   I cannot always find
joy in the what i consider tedious details of human existence.   I do not
mind hard work.   I just want to enjoy it.

Am i living the best life possible in service to the All, the Absolute?  

Am i dancing, am i creating with passion and wild abandon?   


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