Seriousness is a disease
Seriousness, for anything, of anything, is dis-ease, the mother of all diseases.
Makes no difference, whether the object of your seriousness, has profound spiritual overtones or a profane mundane hue to it.
Little Ernie gives a loud whistle in the middle of Father Murphy's sermon
and his grandfather picks him up and cries him out of the church.
Once the are outside, he starts to scold .
"How could you" he cries, "Making such a noise in the church.....!"
"Well', replies little Ernie looking quite excited, "I have been praying for
a long time that God would teach me to whistle and this morning he did."
The hostess at a kid's pray goes up to little Ernie and asks, "How come your
little brother is so shy? He has not moved from that corner all afternoon."
"He is not shy," replies Ernie, "It is just that he has never had to wear a
necktie before and he thinks he is tied to something"
Little Joe goes with his parents to a nudist beach for the first time. After
looking around for a few minutes, Joe asks his father why some men have big
ones and some have small ones.
Rather than go into a long explanation his father replies, "The men with the
big ones are smart and the men that have small ones are stupid."
Accepting this explanation , Joe wanders off to explore the beach. Time
passes and he finally comes across his father again.
"Have you seen your mother, son?" asks his dad.
"Yes" says Joe, she is behind the bushes talking to some stupid guy who is
getting smarter by the minute.
Miss Goodybody the teacher is approaching her class room when little Ernie
comes towards her from the opposite direction.
Little Ernie is winking away.
Shocked Miss Goodybody exclaims, " Ernest ,are you winking at me?"
"No", replies Ernie, "I just have my turn signal on."
And Mom Taught Me
MOM taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!"
MOM taught me RELIGION:
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
MOM taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
MOM taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why."
MOM taught me FORESIGHT:
"Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident."
MOM taught me IRONY:
"Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about."
MOM taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
MOM taught me about CONTORTIONS:
"Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
MOM taught me about STAMINA:
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is finished."
MOM taught me about WEATHER:
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
MOM taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS:
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen then?"
MOM taught me about HYPOCRISY:
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times, Don't exaggerate!!!"
MOM taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
"Stop acting like your father!"
MOM taught me about ENVY:
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
And most of all ..... MOM taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
The Lucknow Disease.
Papaji was a contemporary Guru, based in Lucknow, India.
What was noticed the extreme avoidance of the "I" word in some of the satsang community around Papaji, and has been dubbed "The Lucknow Disease." The story, goes..
It was a summer afternoon at Papaji's house in Lucknow, India.
Satsang would start soon. Devotees were scattered around the house.
Bill and Stan had placed their meditation cushions up front claiming a spot close to Papaji for when he came in. They went to the kitchen to kill some time.
Bill was at the stove and asked Stan, "Would you like a cup of tea or coffee?"
Stan's eyes went big, his voice went deep and profound, "There's no one here to choose."
Bill was very impressed with Stan's state, and humbly served them both tea. They sat at the kitchen table, waiting for satsang. In a few moments, one of the other devotees came into the kitchen.
"People are gathering for satsang," she said. "Oh, and Stan, someone seems to be sitting on your cushion."
"That so-and-so &%!#@ How dare they!?" Stan fumed. "That's *my* cushion, *my* spot!"
Father Murphy is explaining the meaning of faith to his congregation.
"In the front row we have Paddy and Maureen and their five children. Maureen
knows they are her children that's knowledge. Paddy believes they are his
children- that is faith.
The great Guru Murphy often managed it to make it very simple
-To err is human-- to blame it on someone else is more human
-Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups
-Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, fattening or married.
-If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost
-How long is a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on.
-Fact is solidified opinion.
According to ancient Akashic records.......................
Mary had just given birth to her son after a difficult labour.
Exhausted she lay back on the hay to have some rest and in troops half a
dozen shepherds, half a dozen kings and half a dozen wise men from the East.
She rolls up her eyes and looking at her husband in disgust , says "Jesus,
what a way to spend Christmas."
Then Jesus took his disciples up the mountain
and gathering them around him,
he taught them saying:
"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. Blessed are they which hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be filled. Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God. Blessed are they which suffer, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."
Then Simon Peter said,
"Do we have to write this down?"
And Andrew said,
"Are we going to have a test on this?"
"I don't have any paper."
"Do we have to turn this in?"
"The other disciples didn't have to learn this."
And Matthew asked,
"Can I go to the bathroom?"
"What does this have to do with anything?"
And James said,
"I don't get it."
Then one of the Pharisees who was present asked to see Jesus' lesson plan and inquired of him, "Where are your theological imperatives and long-term objectives in the cognitive domain?"
And Jesus wept.
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
I mean life is tough.
It takes up a lot of your time.
What do you get at the end of it?
What's that, a bonus?
I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should die first, get it out of the way.
Then you live in an old age home.
You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work.
You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school.
You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become
a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months
warm, happy, and floating...
.........you finish off as an orgasm.
In the big house, everyone thought Ananda was Buddha's bitch.