3rd June 2003
Oh, ....beautiful....I see this "who am
i" ,too, is dying.
The answer to the question "Who am
I" is not in any answer, but in the total dissipation of the very question.
The relevance of the question, the basis of
the question, goes.
If I am all there is, .................what
is not-I, .............such that the question Who am I, can be of relevance?
The question who am I arises, when to me,
there appears options,... aka I could be this, or I could be that,
and hence the anguish, the despair, the
wonder, the yearing, just which option is home.
If all options are I,
...in the apperception of this....
... can the question have any relevance?
Who is not-I, .................. to whom I
can even pose the question, Who am I?
I thought, if all there is is consciousness then why would it ever ask
that question?.....this impacted me so much....BUT....I guess not to
the core because here I am....asking the same question....just in
well....is this the flip-flop you mention?
Who now cares, with even the flip-flops?
So just let them be......for as long as they
Mere hooplas of the entity labeled by
society as "A".
How does this relate to what you wrote
...."seeking to address the innate sense of insecurity"
You tell me.:-)
Does the innate sense of insecurity for which a redressal was sought by "me-A",........ in all these activities, relatings, ........... does it still prevail and if yes, does it prevail with the same intensity?
I can take, for example, the relationship
with R. We simply enjoy each other's company very much.....so the main
insecurity is that I will have to experience the ending of this relating through
his death or just some unforeseen change in life's circumstances. This sense of
insecurity comes upon me sometimes but I notice it before it ever "acts
out"......as in some weird distancing behavior, etc.
Yes, a withdrawal, a hugging of oneself by
oneself, when suddenly the fact is apperceived that the body-mind complex
labeled "R" does not come with any guarantee.
Let alone a guarantee of a life-time, there
is no guarantee, that "R" will not have a change of heart tonight and
I see now how behavior is an escape from really feeling this insecurity. Whether it is insecurity about my dog dying, financial matters, etc......it only starts related to people, things, circumstances....but then very quickly moves to a sense of insecurity of ALL of life. I guess it is a very close sense of the uncompromising impermanence of everything.
If a nuance of Life, viz a "R", a
pet, mazooma in the bank,.......... are not secured, permanent, nothing of Life
is secured, permanent.
That is given, A.
Why is this impermanency, an issue for A,
...........that's an interesting area to explore.
Do you think, "A" is permanent?
Are you a "static person" or a
A situation, an event becomes an issue,
when there is a stake in that situation, in that event.
A sense of insecurity, can only arise from
a sense of a stake.
Discover that stake and you are free.
So....if there is any "sense of insecurity" it is the insecurity
I feel about this lack of interest in life.
Ahaa, the "me-A" back again.
"Dis-interest is suicide."
"What will you be, if all these drop out, or cease to be"
"Where will be your financial, emotional mental security, if all these vanish?"
Yes....she can't even imagine this.
If you have lost everything, A, and I mean
everything,.............. what would you have really lost?
Did you truly have it, whatever that
is,.......... ever ?
And give an example of a tenacious illusion, if you are moved to.
Right now, the most tenacious illusion that I experience relates
to what I wrote above about lack of passion for life.
There is fear that I will end up on the street due to this lack of
interest in the world, lack of motivation to make money, lack
of ambition to do anything....but maybe sit in my backyard, be
with my friend Ralph and my dog and cat, watch the birds......
And that is "bad",... why?
All these things are wonderful and really what I always
wanted to do.
I just believed what I was told about being ambitious and "making something of
my life'". I tried this....briefly....and just couldn't make myself REALLY believe it.
So now I feel like I'm "growing" backwards....returning to childhood.
The innocence of the child, .............before all the
This "process" seems natural but it also seems to be accompanied by a constant sense of insecurity....or even a strange feeling of dread.
I notice this "dread" and can do nothing.
Dread is always about the stake, remaining unfulfilled.
What is the stake, that you fear will be lost, if the
"process", as you state above, ...............accelerates?
Did you ever have that stake fulfilled, ever in your
If you did, why are you still bothered chasing it?
If not, have a look, is it worth all the hooplas that
you have been engaged in all these decades?
Is this a deep lack of trust ?
Or the trust is in "thingies" like an interest in the world, "honed on ambitious motivations", partners/pets etc.
Again, not a problem.
Just see, the trust so placed in "thingies", will have a resultant consequence, the perpetuation of insecurity.
And replacement of thingies, with other thingies (even spiritual thingies),........ the resultant consequence remains the same.
So, trust needs to be shifted away from the "thingies" ......and put in....????????
In the present moment, AS IT IS served to you.
What a feat...to love the "thingies" and not put my trust in them...WOW.
How does one pull one's trust from the things of life....? I could compare
it to...pulling only the color out of a painting that I just completed....impossible.
Not the pulling out the color out of a painting.
Pulling out the agonizing soul wrenching insecurity,
...........is it good, will it sell, ..........will my genius be acknowledged,
will it remain, will it last, is it my "the statement" to Life?
To truly love something, someone........the present
.........is an abandonment,.....
.....an abandonment of what "it" (the object
of love) gets me, ..........to what end does "it" serve me.
There is so much completion in that love, that even
whether it is reciprocated, ..........there is no self around to agonize over
There is so much completion, ................that the
love which was being expressed, through mortal instruments, reaches the realm of
And here there is no Lover, no Beloved.
There is only loving.
The love of Radha for the flute player.
How to love and enjoy people, animals, places, etc.....and not be attached to them?
There is a difference between pleasure and love.
Out of people, animals, places, .................there
Pleasure is always in time.
Love is never in time.
Am I suggesting, forget pleasure? Give up the current
icon of pleasure?
Not at all.
Neither the craving, neither the avoidance.
I suspect this question comes from the one that doesn't want to feel the pain of the passing away of that which trust was placed in....a temporary form.
Love the temporary, for that is an aspect of the
Love the dissolution of the temporary, for that too is
an aspect of the eternal.
This feels like splitting hairs...
....What am I not understanding ?
Just a reluctant to walk that last bit.:-)
When that leap is to happen, not all the rice grains in China, can stop that from happening.
OH, , I have no idea what this "last bit" you
mention even is....
......ooooh, this is scary..... :- 0 !!!!
But ! .......I'm intrigued.
This reminds me of a very vivid dream I had .......
I was hovering in a small dark room that had only one small window. It was very clear that I had no physical body and that was comfortably accepted. The window
was very luminous, like at dawn...and I moved slowly toward it. I was aware of the fact that when "I" passed through this window, "I" would lose this individuality....and
merge back into...ALL. As I got closer to the window, fear increased ...
I suddenly "awoke" in my bed, still feeling the fear...then I started crying because I was sad that i "gave into" fear and did not pass through the window.
At the sea-shores, the waves slowly build up, coming
near you and then ebbing.
Nearer to you and ebb.
More nearer and ebb.
then a wave catches your ankles,.............. and smiles..................at
itself standing up.